When Your Parenting Map Isn't Working Anymore

Before we dive in today, I want to say Welcome! to everyone who has joined us. I’m glad you’re here, taking some time for yourself as you navigate this tricky stage of motherhood. And if you’re wondering about the woman behind the words, I invite you to learn more about me HERE.

The greatest illusion in motherhood is that you know what you’re doing.

Just when the baby seems to be sleeping from midnight to 4 am, the pattern shifts. Just when your 7 y/o understands the importance of a bedtime, they rebel against it. Just when you feel close with your 11 y/o, they turn into a snarky teenager who treats you like the plague.

And all along, you’ve been finding patterns and making maps. If sending them to bed at 8 gets them to sleep by 9 and gives you some time to read, then the map works. If they’re doing their own laundry in exchange for rides to volleyball practice, then the map works.

Bu then, one day it doesn’t work anymore.
At least, not with this kid.
You map isn’t taking you where you want to go.

One of the places that many moms of teens end up in is the land of disconnection. Too much yelling or too much silence. Too wide of a chasm between you. It’s not where you want to be.

Plain and simple, your approach isn’t working anymore and this is a sign that you need a new map.

Of course, disconnection is normal when you’ve got teens and young adults in your house. They are built to assert their independence, differentiate themselves from their mom and create for themselves the feeling of being in control of their own lives.

We get that.

We figure out what kind of space they need and learn how to give it to them. We keep sensing into that space to feel for for those fibers of love connecting us.

But in the land of disconnection, the space between you feels empty.
No fibers, no meeting of the minds, no shared space.
Empty.
A seemingly uncrossable distance.

If your map brings you here, you know it’s not working anymore.

This isn’t a failure on your part.
You didn’t screw up.
You didn’t miss an exit that everyone else recognized.
You had a map and it was working.

And now it’s not.
It’s just done being of assistance to you. Like a CD player or the farmer’s almanac.
You didn’t do anything wrong.
Life changed. Your kid changed. You changed.

So you need a new map. But you can’t just pick one up at the next gas station. Parenting maps are unique to you and your kid, right?

So, you have to create a new one.


Here’s how to start: articulate your intentions clearly.

What kind of map do you need now?

Go beyond “I want this crappiness to be over” or “I want it to be better.” Beyond what you don’t want.

Define what you mean.
What do you want to be able to do that you can’t do yet?
What do you want to exist in the space between you and your teenager?

Give it words.
Draw it, sing it, dance it, dream it…
Create your vision.

Here are some of the intentions that moms I’ve coached have articulated:

• I want to be able to speak up confidently and express my opinions in a grounded, respectful way.

• I want to resist the urge to micromanage and be curious about their way of doing things.

• I want to be able to uphold my boundaries while we negotiate.

• I want to be more able to listen fully to what he says without jumping to conclusions or imagining it’s worse than it is.

• I want to regulate my emotions and demonstrate my trustworthiness.

• I want to be able to connect to my inner wisdom and make parenting decisions from that knowing.

• I want to be more lighthearted in our day-to-day interactions.

• I want to separate myself from my son’s emotions and be a solid support for him.

• I want to be able to tell if my help is needed or wanted and, if not, to trust that she’s got it.

• I want to access my inner calm center when things feel chaotic and unresolvable.

• I want to make boundaries that foster our acceptance of each other.

Being clear about what you want is an important step toward building the kind of relationship you’re yearning for. And recognizing what needs to be developed you is essential.

After articulating your destination, then comes the actual route, the “how” of getting there. Your existing capacities that you will draw upon. The new ‘muscles’ you’ll strengthen, layer by layer. The new moves you’ll try. The abilities that will gradually become part of this version of you.

That’s the work I love doing with the stressed, drained, despairing moms who come to me for coaching: we design a unique, personal map from where they are right now to where they dearly want to be as a mother and as a human on their life journey.


Could you use some support these days?

I’m here for all the moms who feel like their anxiety has been driving their parenting for too long. I’m here for the moms who are exhausted and out of ideas about how to get through to their kid. I’m here for the moms who are spinning and lost, and afraid it’s too late (it’s not).

For seven years, I’ve been offering my coaching mastery, intuitive gifts, down-to-earth wisdom and calm presence to moms. Connect with me here or hit reply and let me know how I can support you with what you’re navigating right now.